Every New Day
by Collide
Summary: It felt like he was watching the whole world go by in fast forward. Things were holding him down, keeping him from being happy. From feeling real. Syaoran only knows one way to fight it; there is only one way to fight the numbness. Changed the title back!
1. Crimson Regrets

*It felt like he was watching the whole world go by in fast forward. Things were holding him down, keeping him from being happy. From feeling real. Syaoran only knows one way to fight it; there is only one way to fight the numbness.*  
  
**WARNING: This fic will be OOC. Also, it is going to be violent and there will be strong language. I advise those who oppose OOC fics to just turn around now, unless you're willing to open up and check it out. There is a high possibility of character death within this fic also, so be forewarned. Thanks!**  
  
Every New Day  
  
In the dark recess of a dimly lit room sat a young man. His legs were bent, arms resting on his knees as he stared silently over his folded arms. Melancholy amber eyes looked at the object before him as it lay inches in front of his bare feet. It shined, despite the lack of light, as if beckoning the teenager to take it in his hands once again.  
  
A hand moved from its position, shifting unruly strands of dark caramel colored hair, then folding itself back with its twin under the young man's chin. A dark scowl was resting on his handsome face as he watched the object closely, almost as if it would come to life and spring on him at any given moment.  
  
Seconds ticked by like hours; another bad day was seemingly taking forever just to end. Surrendering himself to the call of the object, he reached out, grasping the handle in his hand carefully. He turned the knife over in his hands, watching it glint in the faint light. Relief seemed to take place of the low look on his face as his eyes lightened slightly and an almost mad smile crossed his face.  
  
Setting the knife back on the hardwood floor beside him, the teenager rolled up his sleeve. He stopped, admiring the marks on his arm. Some of them were old scars, now barely visible after the healing process. The rest were ranging in their phases of healing, some almost healed while others remained red and scabbed.  
  
Taking one more look, he noticed a patch of skin without fault. Picking up the weapon once again, he positioned it on top of the soft flesh and prepared himself. In a moment it was over; he dragged the knife over his skin, sending a shock wave of pain that the young man welcomed. He looked down at his arm, at the place where he had sliced; the once pale skin now possessed an angry red line, and it was slowly oozing crimson blood.  
  
Sighing heavily, the teen began slicing again and again, making parallel cuts beside the original. Soon he was bleeding from five slashes, all ranging in depth. He watched the blood as it ran down his arm, making a ruby trail around his arm. The boy noticed some of his blood had dripped off his arm, and was soaking into the floor. Muttering soft curses, the boy rose to his feet and retreated to the bathroom.  
  
"Son of a bitch . . . " he whispered, mopping the blood with a dark green towel. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling the wetness of his life source on his temple. He got up again, went to the bathroom, and washed the blood off his arm. The heated skin on his arm stung as he applied a hot washcloth. A knock on the door shook the young man from his work, and he hastily dried his arm, neglecting to bandage it.  
  
"Syaoran?" a muffled voice called from the other side of the door. The boy opened the door to a smaller woman with the same amber eyes. She smiled softly at the young man, who forced a small smile in return.  
  
"I thought you had gone to bed, Syaoran." The woman stated, her voice soft but strong. Syaoran shook his head, trying to hide his arm from his mother's view as best he could by leaning against the door frame.  
  
"No, Mother. I was just getting ready to though." Syaoran replied. His thoughts suddenly flashed to his temple; there was still blood from his arm on it, and if his mother saw it, she would start to ask questions. For Syaoran, questions led to truth, and admitting the truth to his mother would certainly kill her. What would she say if she found out her strong son, the one who would someday inherit everything in his family, was cutting to keep from breaking down?  
  
"Well I won't keep you any longer. Goodnight, Syaoran." Yelan said, smiling up at her son before turning to walk away. Syaoran also started to duck back into his room, but stopped when Yelan turned and called his name.  
  
"Syaoran . . . " Yelan asked, looking at him suspiciously. Syaoran's heart began pounding; she had seen the blood for sure now, and he was going to have to tell her the truth.  
  
"Yes, Mother?" Syaoran asked, trying to mask his nervousness.  
  
"Perhaps you should wash your face again. You missed some dirt on your face from training I believe. Goodnight." Yelan pointed out. Syaoran sighed with relief as he nodded, backing into his room and closing the door. He slumped down against the wooden access, sweat glimmering on his face.  
  
'That was much too close . . . ' Syaoran thought as he rolled his sleeve up again. He cursed once again as he noticed the blue shirt now sported a good sized blood stain.  
  
'Damn. Another shirt to hide under the bed.' Syaoran thought, removing the garment and tossing it under his bed. Returning once again to his bathroom, Syaoran examined the cuts. He had cut a little too deep this time, and the five wounds were just beginning to clot. He washed off the cuts once again, wincing at the pain. Syaoran reached into his medicine cabinet and pulled out some antibiotic for the cuts.  
  
'You know, you could just go to someone, tell them you've got a problem. But who's going to believe that you, the strong one, have problems? You're not supposed to be flawed; everyone relies on you. You can't be weak like this, it's not good enough.' Syaoran thought, leaning in to look at himself in the mirror, his hands on the sink to support his weight.  
  
In front of him was the reflection of a totally different person. The one he used to know had died, and in its place came what he had become; a frightened young man who just wanted to feel. That's why he started the cutting; feeling had left him when she left him. Cutting was the only thing that he could see keeping his sanity.  
  
"This is all your fault. If you wouldn't have hesitated, you wouldn't have this problem. You wouldn't be addicted." Syaoran said aloud, glaring at his reflection angrily. This was true; if he hadn't waited so long to make his move, he'd have what he wanted, and he wouldn't have lost the one person who made him feel emotion at all.  
  
Sakura.  
  
Syaoran threw on an old black shirt after he bandaged his arm, and climbed into bed, turning to face the french windows overlooking the city. His mind began to wander to the day he started cutting, the day he lost Sakura forever.  
  
It was a beautiful June morning. In fact, Syaoran remembered it was a Monday. He was walking down the sidewalk toward Sakura's house to pick her up for school. As he walked along, he fiddled with the necklace in his pocket. It was silver with a star shaped charm on it, and he was intending on presenting it to Sakura on the way to school when he told her how he had fallen for her.  
  
Upon reaching a small cheerful house, Syaoran heard a door slam and the tapping of small feet as they moved down the stone walkway. Before he knew it, Sakura was bounding over the picket fence, a piece of toast clamped in her mouth. Syaoran could hear Touya yelling at them, but mostly at him.  
  
"You stay away from my sister, Li!"  
  
Syaoran rolled his eyes and smiled. Even at twenty-five, Touya kept a sharp watch on his baby sister. Sakura rolled her emerald eyes and looked back at her older brother with a 'leave him alone or I'll make you wish I was never born' look. Smiling sweetly at her friend, Sakura took off with Syaoran toward the school.  
  
"Oh Syaoran, you'll never guess what happened to me last night!" Sakura squealed on the way. Syaoran fiddled with the necklace, waiting for his chance to speak up.  
  
"You're not going to guess?" Sakura said, pouting slightly. Syaoran smiled, but shook his head nonetheless.  
  
"Nope. You'll tell me either way. This was I know I can get on your nerves." Syaoran replied smartly. He had the necklace in his hand, and started to pull it out as Sakura spoke.  
  
"Landon asked me out last night!!" Sakura exclaimed, taking Syaoran by surprise. His grip on the necklace loosened, and he let it slip back into his blazer jacket, unknown to Sakura. Syaoran felt his heart drop through his body; this was not what he was expecting to hear. He barely listened as Sakura told him about the date she was planning on going out on that night.  
  
"So what do you think, Syaoran? Syaoran? Syao. . . are you there?" Sakura asked, waving a face in front of the scowling boy. Syaoran snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Sakura with an apologetic smile.  
  
"I think it's great. Landon's . . . a great guy." Syaoran muttered, not looking at Sakura. They reached the top of the stairs leading into the school, and Sakura took off to where Landon was standing, a broad smile on his face. Syaoran kept walking by as Sakura and Landon chatted.  
  
Melancholy. That was the one word that described Syaoran that day. He felt like there was nothing that could pull him from his comatose state. It turned out that his day could and did get worse. In one of his classes he had to take a pop quiz, and he failed it. In another class his homework wasn't for the right chapter, resulting in another zero.  
  
An argument with a teacher in the last few moments of his last class earned Syaoran his first detention. It seemed like nothing was going right for the seventeen year old as he flopped back down on his chair. Sakura watched him, a puzzled look on her face. Syaoran scowled and crossed his arms after the bell sounded; now he had an hour of detention to look forward to.  
  
After the detention, Syaoran went home to find he was late for training, earning him two extra hours of hard work. When finished, Syaoran was completely worn down. He trudged into his home and into his room, where he quickly showered.  
  
He wasn't sure what it was that made him snap. Perhaps it was the fact that Sakura was now out of reach to him. Maybe it was the difficulty level of the homework he was working on. Or it could have been the amount of frustrations he had endured throughout the day. Whatever it was, Syaoran became desperate for something to release the frustration.  
  
His mind was racing, what could stop this aggravation, what could get rid of the cold numbness in his heart? He searched through his desk drawer until he found what he was looking for; a knife his father had given him. It was neatly folded, the handle onyx in color with a stripe of abalone. Syaoran snatched it in his hand, flipping the blade quickly.  
  
For a moment he stared at the weapon, considering what he was about to do. He rolled up his sleeve slowly, revealing his flawless bicep. Before he could stop himself, Syaoran drew the knife across his arm. He winced at the pain, but quickly found himself drowning in the rush of relief he felt. It was like he had made an exit for all the feelings he had felt that day. Entranced, Syaoran watched the blood as it ran slowly down his arm.  
  
That was the first time he had ever cut. After that night, a month passed before he did it again. However, it soon became clear that the rigors of his life were wearing down on him as he cut more and more frequently. His arms were criss-crossed with cuts and scars from over a year of cutting.  
  
'I need help . . . I know this isn't healthy, but . . . I can't stop.' Syaoran thought as he turned over in bed. The thoughts of cutting had subsided with the thoughts of insufficiencies and regret he had felt before he had cut himself. He felt lighter, even though he felt more regret for allowing himself to be weakened to the point of cutting again.  
  
This was the vicious cycle; Syaoran would feel frustrated or depressed, or feel some sort of regret for something, and to get the feeling to go away, he would cut. After he cut, he would feel regret and therein continuously feel the need to cut again. It never seemed to end, something would always hurt or disturb him.  
  
Syaoran closed his eyes and let sleep take him over. Tomorrow was another day, after all, and he needed all the rest he could to battle the frustrations he knew would be waiting for him when he next opened his eyes.  
  
*So, what do you think? This is obviously going to center around Syaoran and his problem, and Sakura's going to become involved later. There will be some S&S, I promise. I'm also strongly leaning toward a character death, much to many reader's probable dismay. Please review this and give me some feedback. Let me know if you think it's unique or if it sucks, or whatever. Thanks!* 


	2. Secrets Revealed

*To clear up a little confusion: The first chapter is in different tenses. The beginning where Syaoran cuts his arm is present time. The middle where Sakura is involved is past tense, a year to be precise. The end goes back to the present as Syaoran falls asleep. It's a flashback without all the flashing, basically. Anyway, thanks to my reviewers, ya'll rock!*  
  
Reviewers: sweet-captor anjuliet kikakai Star Cherry Aiko Ayla da 1 n onli macadamia nut  
  
Numb  
  
The dawn was breaking, Syaoran was waking, and the beginning of another day was upon the drowsy teen. He got out of bed and gingerly took off his bandage, revealing bright red cuts. He touched them gently, wincing when they stung with pain. Syaoran got into the shower, letting the hot water run over his body.  
  
'Hooray for another perfect day.' Syaoran thought sarcastically, reaching for his towel as he finished his shower. He dried off, then walked out into his room once again to change. Fifteen minutes later Syaoran was dressed in his school uniform, a blue blazer over a light blue shirt. Blue dress pants and black shoes finished off his outfit along with a simple blue tie.  
  
As he was walking to school, he noticed Landon at Sakura's door. After she had started dating him a year ago, Sakura walked to school with him, not Syaoran. At first it offended Syaoran; she was his friend after all, they had walked to school together since he moved to Tomoeda seven years ago.  
  
Syaoran watched with his usual dark glare as Landon waited for Sakura to come out, his hands behind his back as he rocked on his heels. The door opened, and Sakura walked out, taking time to kiss Landon's cheek before walking down the walk with him. For a brief moment, Syaoran couldn't see anything else. She was beautiful.  
  
Sakura's hair fell just past her shoulders, the golden brown locks curled slightly at the ends. She wore a similar uniform to his own, replacing the pants with a blue plaid skirt. As she walked, with the sun falling softly on her skin, Sakura looked like a veritable angel. She threw a sweet smile to Syaoran as she walked past him with Landon, and Syaoran found himself smiling back. He reached into his pocket and gently fingers the small charm in his pocket. Yep, it was still there, after a whole year.  
  
The school was practically buzzing with chatter as Syaoran walked up the stairs. People were busily gossiping as Syaoran pushed his way through the halls. This wasn't unusual, except it was more intense today, excitement seeming to hang in the air. Syaoran stopped at his locker and listened as two girls talked incessantly.  
  
"That's right, he did it right over there!" one girl exclaimed, her eyes filled with stars. The other girl sighed and smiled as she dreamily looked into space.  
  
"That's so romantic, you know? Proposing out of the blue like that?" the other girl added. The first girl nodded, then leaned against the locker.  
  
"Sakura's so lucky!"  
  
Syaoran almost dropped his books with the last statement. Sakura?! Engaged?! There had to be some sort of mistake! Sakura and Landon's relationship wasn't THAT advanced, was it? Syaoran turned to talk to the girls he had been listening to when his worst fear came to life.  
  
There stood Sakura and Landon, just down the hall from Syaoran. Sakura had her hand in the sandy blonde's hand, and she was showing her friends a small ring on her left ring finger. Her face was beaming with happiness as she showed off her hand. Syaoran's heart dropped out of his chest once again. He had always thought that they wouldn't last, that he would have a chance to tell Sakura he was in love with her after they had broken up. Now, there was no chance; Sakura was getting married.  
  
"Syaoran!" Sakura cried, taking notice of the boy on the other side of the hall. Syaoran tried his best to mask his upset demeanor by smiling. Sakura bounded over to him and showed him the ring. It glimmered in the light, every sparkle seeming to stab Syaoran right in the chest.  
  
"That's . . . that's great, Sakura." Syaoran murmured quietly, avoiding her eyes as he spoke. Sakura's eyes clouded over with confusion mixed with worry.  
  
"Syaoran, is everything okay?" Sakura asked. For a moment, Syaoran considered telling her that everything wasn't okay. Things were terrible now that he knew she would never ever be his. Reconsidering, Syaoran nodded slowly.  
  
"I'm fine, Sakura. I'm happy for you." Syaoran said, turning and walking down the hall to his first class. Sakura watched him walk away, worry written on her young face.  
  
In class, Syaoran couldn't concentrate at all. His mind kept moving from his notes to the beautiful girl sitting in front of him. He couldn't stop thinking about her, and soon the pain was too much.  
  
"Sensei, may I please?" Syaoran called from the back of the room, bringing the class out of their trance. All eyes fell on Syaoran, Sakura's included. She mouthed something to him, looking like 'are you okay?' but Syaoran didn't make a sound. He got out of his seat and dashed out of the class, making his way to the restroom.  
  
Syaoran locked himself in a stall and threw off his blazer, tossing it over angrily. He hit the door with his fist, then rested his head against the cold metal as he breathed heavily. His eyes widened in realization as he reached in his pocket and pulled out his knife. He was so thankful he brought it that he almost cried out with happiness.  
  
He sat on the toilet, the knife in his grip. Sleeve rolled up and ready, Syaoran teased himself by running the dull side of the knife against his scarred skin. His mind began flooding with thoughts of Sakura's engagement, and his eyes darkened.  
  
'She's gone.' Syaoran thought, slicing hard against his skin.  
  
'I'll never get to tell her I love her, to kiss her and hold her. Never.' Syaoran thought bitterly as he sliced again.  
  
'Why couldn't I have been faster to tell her? How could I let her go like that?!' Syaoran's mind raced as he slashed furiously. Pain pulsed through his body, erasing the anguish he felt over Sakura for the moment. He looked down and noticed he was bleeding quite profusely.  
  
'Dammit . . . I must have gotten a little carried away.' Syaoran cursed to himself, trying to stop the blood with toilet paper. He heard the door to the bathroom open, and he froze.  
  
'Shit . . . I'm gonna get caught.' Syaoran thought, furiously trying to make the blood stop pouring through his wounds. He saw a pair of legs walk in, and his amber eyes widened in horror as he noticed something very wrong.  
  
These legs were bare.  
  
'Could I have gone into the fucking girl's bathroom without knowing?!' Syaoran hissed to himself, putting a hand to his head with a panic.  
  
"Syaoran?" he heard a voice call. He recognized the voice, and his eyes widened as much as humanly possible. Sakura!  
  
"What do you want, Sakura?" Syaoran said weakly. He heard Sakura's feet move toward where he was, and her hand knocking on his stall.  
  
"Are you alright? Sensei sent me, I have no idea why . . . this is the boy's restroom, you know." Sakura joked. Syaoran let out a sigh of relief. His heart started beating, and he calmed down.  
  
"I'm fine." Syaoran answered. He heard Sakura gasp and back away from the door. He looked down at the floor and noticed it; bright crimson drops of blood dotted the white tile floor. Defeated, Syaoran opened the stall door to see Sakura, staring at him with a mix of shock and horror.  
  
"Sakura . . . " Syaoran started. Sakura stopped him by rushing to him and removing the reddened toilet paper.  
  
"Holy . . . . Syaoran why did you do this?" Sakura cried, trying to keep her voice down. Syaoran shrugged and turned his head away as Sakura tried to stop the bleeding. He had three deep cuts on his arm, all of them trickling blood.  
  
"There are cuts all over your arms!" Sakura exclaimed, noticing the other slashes on his biceps and shoulders. Her green eyes filled with tears as she moistened a paper towel and applied it to Syaoran's arm. He grimaced, scowling at her as she tried to help him.  
  
"Why did you . . . do this?" Sakura asked, her voice sounding heartbroken.  
  
"I'm in pain. All the time. I don't know how to make it stop, to forget all about it. This is all I know." Syaoran replied. Sakura had managed to stop the bleeding, and was now searching for band aids in her purse. Like that was going to work.  
  
"What's hurting you?" Sakura asked. She hadn't had time to notice her friend's state, she was too busy with Landon. She admonished herself for ignoring her friend as she looked into Syaoran's wounded face.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go back to class." Syaoran answered, rolling down his sleeve. Sakura protested, but he had slipped his blazer back over his dress shirt and was staring at her with a 'let's go' face.  
  
"I won't tell anyone, Syaoran. But if you ever think about doing this again, you get me." Sakura whispered. Syaoran nodded, his amber eyes still filled with pain. The two seventeen year olds walked out of the bathroom and back to class.  
  
At lunch, Syaoran was sitting at his table in the corner when he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked up to see Sakura with a horrified look on her face.  
  
"They're bleeding!" Sakura hissed, dragging him into the bathroom once again. Syaoran removed his blazer, revealing a big red stain on his shirt. His blazer was soaked through with blood, and he began cursing.  
  
"Dammit . . . what am I going to do?" Syaoran asked, not directing the question to Sakura. Sakura rolled up his sleeve, an almost angry glare on her pretty face. She pressed a cold paper towel against Syaoran's bleeding arm, making him wince in pain and glare.  
  
"That hurts!" Syaoran admitted angrily. Sakura glared up at him, her green eyes now filled with hurt and anger as well.  
  
"That's what you wanted, is it not?" Sakura spat, half whispering. Syaoran was taken aback; she was angry at him for cutting. He looked away, at the mirror where he saw Sakura busily trying to stop the bleeding.  
  
"Go home. I'll tell sensei you were ill, and then I'll be over with your homework. You can't go to school with blood all over your shirt." Sakura instructed.  
  
"Alright. I'll go." Syaoran replied, almost biting in his tone. Sakura wrapped some toilet paper around Syaoran's wound before rolling the sleeve back down and replacing his blazer.  
  
"Thank you." Syaoran muttered. Sakura didn't say anything for a moment, she just looked into Syaoran's eyes as she searched for something he couldn't figure out.  
  
"Just go. I'll see you in a couple hours." Sakura whispered, turning and walking out of the bathroom. Syaoran's head fell as he ran a hand through his messy brown hair with frustration.  
  
At home, Syaoran hid away his blood soaked garments. He would have to take them to the cleaners himself to avoid questions later. He bandaged his arm, muttering curses as the pain coursed through him. He was sitting in bed later when someone knocked on his door.  
  
"Come in." Syaoran called, not bothering to get up. The heavy oak door opened, and Syaoran came face to face with Sakura, who was carrying her books along with his.  
  
*And . . . . I'm gonna stop right there. Next chapter will contain lemon, just a little forewarning. Also, I changed the title of this fic to 'Numb' because I was planning on using a song to write the last chapter called 'Every New Day' until I decided what was going to happen in the end. So I have decided to use Linkin Park's song for the end, and thus the name has changed.* 


	3. Wreckless Abandon

*Hey all, thanks so much for the reviews! Some of you have asked that the character death just not happen, but I won't change it. This is how it's going to be, sorry for those of you who wanted a happy ending. This isn't the last chapter though, so don't panic. Thanks!*  
  
Reviewers: kikakai, sapphirecrystal, sweet-captor, dfasdfasd, & S+S43v3r  
  
Every New Day  
  
Sakura hesitated for a moment as she stared at Syaoran. He was lying on his neatly made bed, a long sleeved black shirt covering his torso. A look of anger mixed with pain and suffering masked his face as he scowled. He sat up, and Sakura started walking inside, closing the door behind her.  
  
"Thanks." Syaoran blurted out simply, taking his things from his friend and reading over the assignments. Sakura didn't leave; she concentrated her gaze on Syaoran as he read, his eyes clouded with something she couldn't understand.  
  
"You don't have to stay, you know." Syaoran added, his voice quiet. He looked up and met Sakura's stare, his amber eyes accented though his messy chestnut bangs. Sakura shook her head slowly, a frown marring her pretty face.  
  
"Why, Syaoran? What is it you can't feel that you have to do . . . that?" Sakura whispered, motioning to his arm. Syaoran turned his face from Sakura, trying to ignore the subject.  
  
"Syaoran-" Sakura started. Syaoran whipped his face back around, and Sakura's eyes widened as she saw the tears forming in the corners of his yellowish-brown orbs.  
  
"I can't feel anything anymore. Something happened to me . . . and ever since that day I haven't felt a thing. I just want to feel like there's something inside me, like I'm . . . existent." Syaoran stumbled, his eyes moving from Sakura's to the pattern on his comforter.  
  
"What happened, Syao?" Sakura ventured. Syaoran shook his head; he wasn't ready to admit to her he loved her. After a whole year of preparing to tell her the truth, he couldn't bring himself to do it.  
  
"It's someone. Someone happened to me, and without her I feel nothing. There's no feeling in my heart now that she's gone. I just want to feel . . ." Syaoran said quietly, his stare still fixed on the pattern on the comforter.  
  
"Love?" Sakura whispered, drawing Syaoran's attention. Sakura was watching him intently, her eyes wide and clear. Syaoran nodded, afraid he wouldn't be able to actually say yes. Sakura nodded, folding her arms around her knees and hugging them to her body.  
  
"I'm starting to feel that way too." Sakura blurted suddenly, making Syaoran look at her quizzically.  
  
"Are you daft? You have Landon, and he loves you." Syaoran argued, his face moving from melancholy to slightly angered.  
  
"I admit I am very attached to Landon. But something's missing. Something in his touch . . . just isn't right." Sakura answered slowly, keeping her eye on Syaoran as he moved his gaze from her to the comforter.  
  
"What are you looking for?" Syaoran questioned. Sakura moved closer, until she was just inches from Syaoran's questioning face. Her emerald eyes looked deeply into his amber eyes as she sighed.  
  
"Something more. Something genuine. Something that when I get into it, I know I'll be safe." Sakura replied, her eyes now wandering to the comforter as she blushed.  
  
"Why are you telling me this, Sakura?" Syaoran inquired. Sakura met his look once again. She put her hand over his, and Syaoran started to protest, but Sakura hushed him.  
  
"When I found you today, with all that blood . . . I realized how terrible of a friend I had been to you. I mean, one day . . . we were best friends. The next day I had Landon. Today showed me how real our friendship was, and the more I thought about you, the more I thought about how our friendship could have easily become more." Sakura stammered. Her cheeks were burning crimson as she spoke, catching Syaoran's attention.  
  
"What are you saying?" Syaoran asked. Sakura touched Syaoran's cheek with a slim finger, sending a shiver of excitement through the teen.  
  
"I'm saying . . . that what I have been looking for in Landon has been right in front of me the whole time. It's you, Syaoran. I want you." Sakura answered, earning a dropped jaw expression from her friend. She leaned in to kiss Syaoran, but he pulled away, though his mind was screaming obscenities at him for doing so.  
  
"No. I can't do this, not while Landon-" Syaoran protested. Sakura shook her head and showed him her naked ring finger.  
  
"After today, I couldn't stop thinking about you. We're not getting married. Not until I figure out what I want." Sakura stated. Syaoran opened his mouth to protest more; she was still considered to be attached to Landon, and Syaoran wasn't the kind of guy to cheat. Before he could say anything, Sakura's mouth was planted firmly on his own.  
  
The world stopped turning completely, and everyone on it vanished. Syaoran felt Sakura kiss him and immediately felt a rush of happiness sting his dead heart. He felt it beating hard against his chest as he started kissing her back. This was what he had wanted for so long, and there was no way he was going to let it go.  
  
Syaoran slipped his tongue into Sakura's willing mouth, tangling it with hers as they intensified their kisses. Syaoran leaned Sakura down until she was lying on the bed, Syaoran propped up over her on his elbows. Sakura's hands made their way through Syaoran's hair, down over his chest and around his waist.  
  
"Syaoran . . ." Sakura breathed into his mouth as they came up for air. Syaoran kissed Sakura's jawbone, making her sigh with satisfaction. He leaned down onto her, freeing his hands to roam her body. Sakura gasped as his hands moved down her sides to her hips, and she kissed Syaoran's forehead.  
  
"This is what I've always wanted." Sakura whispered huskily, playing with the bottom of Syaoran's shirt before lifting it carefully over his body. Syaoran let Sakura turn him onto his back and straddle him, a serious look on her angel face. She fingered the scars on Syaoran's arms, leaning down to kiss them before meeting Syaoran's lips once again.  
  
Syaoran kissed Sakura hard, tugging at the buttons on her school uniform as he undid her white shirt. Sakura shrugged off the garment, revealing her white cotton bra. Syaoran couldn't contain himself any longer, and he flipped Sakura onto her back, pinning her down with his weight. They kissed furiously, their pace quickening as their hands explored.  
  
Before he knew it, Syaoran was undoing his friend's bra. He stopped for a moment, took in the sight before him. Leaning down, Syaoran kissed each breast, eliciting a soft moan of pleasure from Sakura. He cupped one of them in his hand, massaging it as he kissed Sakura once again.  
  
"Syaoran . . . more." Sakura commanded, her voice quavering with desire. Syaoran obeyed as he ran his hand slowly up her skirt and to her panties, which he tugged off slowly. Sakura shook with anticipation as she unzipped her skirt and removed it. She fiddled with the buttons on Syaoran's pants, removing them as quickly as she could.  
  
"Sakura . . . " Syaoran whispered as he shook off his boxers and glanced down at Sakura, who was staring up at him with hungry green eyes. She could feel his ache, and her own yearning was becoming too much for her.  
  
"Please . . . Syaoran, please." Sakura cried, her voice hushed. Syaoran cupped her face in his hand and slowly slipped himself in, allowing Sakura to adjust to the new pain. She gasped, a mixture of pain and pleasure etched on her face. They didn't move for a moment; they were conjoined as one. Syaoran took the initiative and slowly started to move in and out, kissing Sakura on the mouth as he did so.  
  
It was the most sensational feeling he had ever felt in his entire life. The bliss he felt while making love to Sakura made the feeling from cutting seem like nothing. They moved as one, Sakura wrapping her arms around Syaoran's neck as he buried his head in her neck to stifle his moans. Before they knew what had happened, they climaxed; it was over. Completely worn out, the couple released a moan of satisfaction and relaxed, still intimately joined.  
  
"I love you, Sakura." Syaoran whispered. Sakura's eyes were closed, and Syaoran ran his hand through her hair, the other wrapped around her slim waist. He felt tired himself, and had soon curled up next to Sakura in his bed, cradling her in his arms.  
  
*Um, so that's it for now. Find out what happens in the next chapter, and I'll give you all a hint: you're all going to want to kill me. Review please, let me know what you think.* 


	4. Complicated Misunderstanding

*Hey ya'll, thanks for the reviews, they are greatly appreciated! Anyway, I'll keep it short and sweet (kinda like me, lol!) and continue. But I'm warning ya, you're gonna hate me.*  
  
Reviewers: anjuliet (times 3), EcuaGirl, Kikakai, sweet-captor, amber-eyez, & Star Cherry (times 2)  
  
Every New Day  
  
Bliss. That was the one word that could describe Syaoran's state at that point. He had made love to the one girl he had thought out of his reach for so long, and he'd proclaimed his love for her as well. Syaoran felt like he was floating on air as his eye opened to the sunlight of a new day. Expecting to wake up next to Sakura, Syaoran found the space next to him empty, a white letter folded neatly on the pillow next to his.  
  
Fearing the worst, Syaoran snatched up the letter and opened it. His heart was racing at a thousand beats per minute as he gazed at the girly scrawl on the paper. Amber eyes focused, trying to see clearly what was written on the snow colored paper.  
  
'Syaoran, last night was . . . wonderful.' Syaoran read, his heart leaping. She was happy! But where did she go? Syaoran leaned against the headboard of his bed as he continued to read.  
  
'You've probably figured out that I'm gone, and I apologize. I had an appointment I couldn't miss. Please call me later tonight, I'd love to see you again. Love, Sakura.' Syaoran read to himself, a smile forming along his lips slowly. She wanted to see him again, and to Syaoran that was ecstasy.  
  
Walking down the sidewalk toward school, Syaoran stopped at Sakura's waiting for her to bound out like she usually did. As if on cue, Sakura bounded out of the small house, but with a surprise. Landon was running behind her, a huge grin on his handsome face. Sakura hopped the fence to come face to face with Syaoran, who looked at her quizzically.  
  
"Syaoran!" Sakura cried, a broad smile appearing on her face. She swept some loose honey colored hair out of her dazzling emerald eyes. Syaoran looked at Landon, who had landed on the other side of the fence along with Sakura. Sakura's smile faded slightly, becoming replace with a plastic smile.  
  
"Morning, Li. Wanna walk with us to class?" Landon asked. Syaoran looked from Sakura to Landon, then back to Sakura, his eyes bewildered. Shaking his head, Syaoran walked past the couple. Sakura told Landon to go the other way to school while she talked to Syaoran.  
  
"Syaoran, wait!" Sakura cried, jogging to catch up with the brunette as he walked alone down the sidewalk.  
  
"What was Landon doing at your house?" Syaoran asked, his voice icy as he glared at Sakura.  
  
"Picking me up for school! Am I not allowed to be friends with him anymore since we slept together?" Sakura defended, shooting an equally menacing glare at Syaoran.  
  
"Why didn't you stay last night?" Syaoran questioned. Sakura shook her head, trying to avoid the question.  
  
"I told you in my letter that I had an appointment I had to keep." Sakura bit back, becoming aggravated.  
  
"Was that appointment Landon?" Syaoran asked softly, stopping in his tracks as he cast a deadly look at Sakura.  
  
"What the hell is this, Syaoran?! You think you own me after one night?! Yes, Landon was my appointment, but for something you don't need to know about, alright?" Sakura spat, her green eyes blazing. Syaoran scowled at her remarks, then kept walking.  
  
"I don't want to be used, that's all." Syaoran muttered. This time Sakura stopped, stopping the taller boy along the way.  
  
"Why would you say that?" Sakura asked, obviously hurt. Syaoran shook his head and walked on.  
  
"Syaoran . . . give me some time, okay?" Sakura asked, grabbing his jacket sleeve and stopping him. Her eyes pleaded with him, and for a moment his eyes softened. He nodded, and Sakura smiled.  
  
"Let's get to school, okay?" Sakura cried, taking off running. She turned so she was running backward and motioned for Syaoran to follow. Smiling, Syaoran started running after the girl, who shrieked loudly.  
  
Two weeks later  
  
School had actually gone well that day for Syaoran. Not that every day before that day was bad, he was just feeling lighter and that made a difference on his outlook. On his way home he felt a pair of small hands encircle his eyes, blocking the light. He could smell the cherry blossoms, but refused to guess who the obvious assailant was.  
  
"Guess who?" a familiarly cheerful voice called out. Syaoran shook his head, and he practically felt the girl pout.  
  
"Come on, guess!" she cried, tightening her grip over Syaoran's eyes as he tried to whip around and grab her. Melodic laughter filled the air as she laughed happily, dodging Syaoran's reaches, He reached up and caught the slim arms of the girl, who yelped with surprise.  
  
"Okay, okay, it's me!" Sakura cried, removing her hands from Syaoran's eyes. Syaoran squinted slightly, but smiled nonetheless.  
  
"So . . . what are you doing tonight, Syaoran?" Sakura asked seductively, running a finger over Syaoran's jawbone.  
  
"I don't know, I was thinking about doing my homework. You?" Syaoran teased, expecting Sakura to pout. Sakura's eyebrows raised, and she leaned in to whisper into Syaoran's ear. As she spoke, his eyes widened further and further to the brink of exploding from their sockets.  
  
"Really?! You wanna do that?!" Syaoran whispered, looking into Sakura's half closed eyes for confirmation. Sakura slowly nodded and planted a kiss on Syaoran's nose before running down the street.  
  
"Catch me if you can, Syaoran!" Sakura cried, running quickly down the street toward his house. Still stunned by what Sakura had said, Syaoran stood still, watching ahead of him as Sakura stopped and called out to him once again.  
  
"Coming!" Syaoran replied, picking up his bags and taking off after Sakura, who grinned mischievously.  
  
"God, Sakura, where'd you learn to do that?" Syaoran asked as he stroked Sakura's hair. They were lying in Syaoran's bed after some 'pre-homework warm-ups' as Sakura had referred to it. Sakura smiled devilishly at Syaoran, her green eyes sparkling.  
  
"It's amazing the things you find in a book, no?" Sakura asked, earning a surprised smile from Syaoran. Sakura slipped out of the bed and sauntered toward the bathroom, tripping over Syaoran's blazer as she went. She felt a blunt object inside the pocket and pulled out the knife, folded neatly and hidden away in Syaoran's garments.  
  
"Syaoran, why is the knife still in your jacket pocket?" Sakura asked. Syaoran sat up in time to see Sakura wrap a sheet around her nude form. Her eyes were clouded with doubt as she looked over Syaoran's arms carefully.  
  
"I haven't been doing it." Syaoran explained, but Sakura kept looking over his arms, searching for wounds intently.  
  
"Dammit, Sakura! I haven't been doing it! Is my word not enough!?" Syaoran bit angrily. Sakura looked away from Syaoran, hurt evident in her face.  
  
"I just didn't want you to go back to that. I don't want you to be like that anymore. Look at the way you've been so far. It's been so good, and I couldn't see all that wasted." Sakura whispered.  
  
"I'm sorry. I guess I just get defensive when it comes to . . . that. Besides, I'd think as much as we've been together you'd know when something's different." Syaoran added. Sakura smiled and leaned on Syaoran's strong chest, taking in his scent.  
  
"Put it away, Syaoran. For yourself." Sakura whispered, looking up at him with her begging emerald eyes. Syaoran nodded slowly, taking the blade from Sakura and walking into the bathroom, the same place he had found the blade.  
  
'I don't need you anymore. I found a cure for my problem, and you're unwanted.' Syaoran thought, setting the black weapon inside the drawer and closing it. He turned to face Sakura, who had gotten out of the bed and was dangerously close to him once again. His breath quickened as he stared at her naked body.  
  
"I think it's time for a shower, Syaoran." Sakura murmured, pushing Syaoran into the shower and turning on the water.  
  
"Holy shit it's cold!" Syaoran yelped, making Sakura laugh lightly. The water turned warm quickly, but the couple didn't notice as their lips connected and they began to lose themselves once again.  
  
*You may not have hated me for that. Sorry for telling you all you would. I just had some more inspiration to add more to the fic, and I had to put off the part you'd hate. Anyway, review me, let me know what you think, ya'll rock!* 


	5. Painful Affliction

*Here's another chapter just for your reading pleasure. Thanks to those of you who reviewed, I can tell that of the 3 fics I'm doing currently, this one is the favorite. I guess there's something about dealing with self mutilation that hits everyone in some way. Anyway, here's the chapter, thanks for reading!*  
  
Reviews: Kikakai, anjuliet, Star Cherry, sweet-captor & amber-eyez  
  
Every New Day  
  
It was a Monday night. The town was sleeping, yet there was one soul whose eyes wouldn't close. Those amber eyes stared out into the darkness, past the stars and into the mystery of the night. Pieces of dark brown hair waved in the breeze, occasionally shielding the golden eyes from seeing anything. A small contented smile graced the lips belonging to this being, this peaceful gentle creature.  
  
Syaoran folded his hands behind his back and drew in a breath, letting it flow out of his lungs slowly as he exhaled. Eyes closed, soul open, Syaoran let the outdoors envelop him as he stood on the balcony in the pale moonlight.  
  
His mind was finally clear, it was almost a beautiful thing to him. No more thoughts of hurting himself, no more frustration. Since Sakura left Landon, things had been much better. Syaoran was able to wake up in the morning and not dread getting out of bed to face the world. This was the kind of man his father wanted him to be; this was the type of leader the Li Clan needed.  
  
No longer did Syaoran wear his long sleeved shirts to bed in fear of being awakened to the sound of his disappointed mother or family crying out over his disfigured arms. His upper torso bare, Syaoran walked back into his bedroom where he climbed into bed and sank into the softness. A heavy yet satisfied sigh escaped his lips, and his serious gaze moved from the ceiling to the side table where a photo of Sakura stood neatly.  
  
That very spot seemed to radiate happiness through her electric smile and untamable spunk. Syaoran reached for the photo, barely able to reach its protective frame. Arm flopping in defeat, Syaoran pulled the covers up to his chest and closed his eyes to join the rest of the city in quiet slumber.  
  
Tuesday morning greeted Syaoran with a slight grimace. The clear night before had been replaced with gray storm clouds bulging with rain. A harsh wind blew every so often, shaking the leaves in the trees around Syaoran's room. He sat up and squinted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  
  
'Eh . . . . rain. I can handle rain. No problem.' Syaoran thought as he got out of bed and started changing. A sharp rapping on his door made him look sharply and lose his balance as he tried to pull up his dress pants. He toppled to the ground, hitting his head against the desk.  
  
"Dammit . . . yes, what is it?" Syaoran bellowed, slightly irate at that moment. The soft voice of Yelan penetrated through the door, making Syaoran mutter more curses about cursing in front of his mother.  
  
"Syaoran, you're going to be late for school." Yelan answered calmly. The door opened, and Syaoran sprinted out, taking a moment to run back and kiss his mother on the cheek before sprinting down the stairs and out the front door.  
  
Thunder was distantly rolling as Syaoran jogged quickly to class. He ran toward Sakura's hoping to catch her before she also sprinted out of her house. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the necklace he'd planned on giving to Sakura a year ago. Though it hadn't seen the light of day since that fateful day twelve months ago, it still retained that shining sparkle.  
  
'Today. This is what I have waited for, hurt for. Today I'll tell her, and we'll be happy. This is it.' Syaoran thought, putting the charm back into his pocket as he ran. He stopped at the fence and watched as Touya walked out of the house, locking the door behind him. He scowled at Syaoran, who returned the gaze with the same affection.  
  
"She isn't here, Li. You were too slow today." Touya teased as he got into his car and started off to work. Syaoran glanced at his watch and winced at the time; there was no way he was going to make it in time at this rate. Defeated but undaunted, Syaoran began to sprint toward the school.  
  
Syaoran ran down the empty school hallways and skidded to a halt at the door to his first class. He checked his watch and took note that he was a good twenty minutes late. Shoulders shrugging, Syaoran opened the door to face his first period teacher.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Li! I assume you're here to grace us with your presence!" the portly teacher exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at Syaoran while the class snickered.  
  
"I'm sorry, sensei." Syaoran said quietly, taking his seat behind Sakura. Sakura turned around and smiled at Syaoran, who returned the smile more than willingly.  
  
"And who can answer this problem? Mr. Li, I believe this one shall be yours to determine, as you have had ample time already to flirt with Miss. Kinomoto." The teacher declared, pointing Syaoran out once again. Syaoran's ears filled with the sounds of his peers snickering. Running a hand through his hair and finding himself defeated once again, Syaoran shook his head, unable to answer.  
  
"No answer, eh? Well, paying attention in class would have made the answer clear. Now you will be spending your afternoon with me in detention." The chubby teacher exclaimed, pushing her glasses up on her nose as she sniffed at Syaoran.  
  
"Dammit . . . " Syaoran moaned softly, allowing his head to come into contact with his desk loudly.  
  
The rain clouds still hovered over the city as the end of the day approached. Syaoran was sitting in his chair, eagerly anticipating the end of an excruciatingly frustrating day. It hadn't ended with him being late to school and earning detention. No, it was much more than that. His locker had jammed, preventing him to get his books and homework from it. Fortunately his teachers had understood, but they gave him extra problems to work on anyway, as a lesson.  
  
Lunch had come around, and though it seemed to be an ordinary time of day, Syaoran found it to be Hell. Not only had he forgotten his lunch at home, he hadn't brought money to buy a lunch from the café. To add to the frustration, the principle called Syaoran into his office that period to talk to him about the school's policy on tardiness. Perfect.  
  
The second half of the day wasn't as bad, but Syaoran knew something was going to happen. It was just his luck. The bell rang, shaking Syaoran out of his thoughts. Kids dashed out of their seats and out of the class, finished with another day of school. Syaoran stayed in his seat, waiting for his detention. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked to see Sakura staring down at him with her sympathetic green eyes.  
  
"Rough day?" Sakura asked, smiling slightly. Syaoran shook his head and smiled. Sakura sat down in the desk beside him and moved some hair from his face.  
  
"Poor Syaoran . . . maybe I'll stop by tonight and cheer you up?" Sakura asked, looking up at Syaoran and smiled seductively.  
  
"Perhaps . . . that is if my trainer doesn't kill me for being late, which I know I will be with this detention I have to serve." Syaoran muttered, putting his head in his hands and sighing. Sakura rubbed Syaoran's shoulder and stood up to leave. Remembering the necklace, Syaoran jumped up to his feet.  
  
"Sakura, I-" Syaoran started. Sakura turned around and faced Syaoran, but was drown out by the sound of their first period teacher instructing her to leave the detention classroom immediately.  
  
"Gosh darnit!!" Syaoran muttered, slamming his fist down on the table as the teacher started her lecture.  
  
After an hour of ranting from his teacher, Syaoran was finally set free. He ran out of the school quickly, knowing he was late for his training session. As he left the brick building, it began to rain in torrents. Shuddering with frustration, Syaoran sighed and began jogging home.  
  
'It has threatened to rain all freaking day. Of course it would have to start just as I leave school.' Syaoran thought bitterly to himself as he ran.  
  
"Syaoran, this is unacceptable for the next leader of the Li Clan! Getting into trouble like that . . . it's just not acceptable!" Yelan cried, throwing her arms up into the air after dinner. Syaoran stood before his mother, his head bowed, chin touching his chest.  
  
"Do you have anything to say for yourself, Syaoran?" Yelan demanded, her voice actually growing angry.  
  
"No Mother." Syaoran whispered, his amber eyes dulling with the words she spoke. Disappointment. She was disappointed in him. He hadn't even showed her his problem, the thing he thought would destroy her. He had been himself, and that wasn't good enough.  
  
"I think you should go to bed, Syaoran." Yelan stated.  
  
"Goodnight, Mother." Syaoran whispered, trudging up the stairs and into his bedroom. How could things have taken such a turn for the worse so fast? He had been doing so well, and in an instant, the feeling was gone. He was alone again, and the pain was welling up inside him like a geyser. The disappointment he felt in himself was almost too much to bear; Syaoran had to get out.  
  
Closing the hard oak doors, Syaoran headed to the only thing he knew that could kill the pain away quickly. It was the only thing close to healing he knew. Ripping open his drawer, Syaoran pulled out his knife. Without even thinking about it, he slashed open his arm, cutting over and over again.  
  
Images in his mind flickered as tears started to brim in his eyes. His mother, how her face must have fallen when she got the call about his detention. Her being dissatisfied with him made his stomach turn. The thought of him not being good enough for her made Syaoran want to crawl in a hole and die.  
  
The thoughts shifted to Sakura next, about how upset she'd be when she found out he had broken his promise to her and got the knife back out to cut again. He could see her emerald eyes, the windows to her soul. They were closed to him as she would give up on him. Why shouldn't she, he'd given up on himself, she should be no different. Syaoran stopped cutting and looked into the mirror to survey the damage. Slices ranging in length criss crossed his arms, bleeding down onto the white porcelain sink. Syaoran's face was dotted with blood from drawing the knife over and over.  
  
"Fuck!" Syaoran cursed, running cool water to wash out the many wounds. He stopped counting at twenty, bandaging them all the best he could. Some were deeper and required more attention, while most were generally light cuts. After the triage, Syaoran washed his face clean of his own blood, wiping it off with a dark green washcloth. Next came the sink and floor, which were both dotted with splatters of crimson blood.  
  
'One bad day, and you decide to filet yourself. Good one, Syaoran.' Syaoran thought to himself bitterly, tossing the washcloth into the hamper without thinking about who would find it. He didn't care anymore; there were too many things that were going wrong. Lying in his bed, Syaoran tried to fall asleep when the phone rang.  
  
"Hello?" Syaoran asked, his voice no longer hiding his melancholy.  
  
"Syaoran, what's wrong?"  
  
Sakura.  
  
*Sorry again for a chapter that seems to mean nothing to you. Sometimes it is easier to understand the way this kind of thing hurts the mind of the person afflicted when you look at a day in the life of that person. Everything seems to go wrong, and it just turns into a vicious cycle. The only thing Syaoran has left is Sakura. And even that's going to change. Thanks for reading, please review for me!* 


	6. Heavy Depression

*Hey guys! It's Saturday, and you know what that means! UPDATE DAY! Here is the newest chapter for you, and I must say something about one of the conversations in this chapter: it's a real conversation. Almost every word, minus a couple things are real and true. Anyway, here's the fic, and things are starting to get down to the end. There should be maybe one chapter after this, maybe two.*  
  
Reviews: Star Cherry, amber-eyez, the nadja, anjuliet, Cherry Jade, sweet- captor, & Kikakai  
  
Every New Day  
  
"Sakura." Syaoran breathed, relieved to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. He sighed, sinking back against the softness of his bed with contentment. The one thing that could salvage his day was there to rescue him; now everything would be okay.  
  
"What's wrong, Syaoran? You sound . . . upset." Sakura asked. Syaoran smiled; Sakura was the only person he knew who could tell when he was feeling down or depressed.  
  
"I'm fine, really. Just tired from . . . training." Syaoran lied. He eyed his bandaged arms, feeling the sting of his actions.  
  
"I see. Do you want me to come over tonight still?" Sakura asked. Syaoran's eyes widened. He had forgotten she was planning on coming over.  
  
"No. Don't worry about it." Syaoran answered, trying to formulate an excuse for Sakura not to come over.  
  
"Too late, Syaoran. I'm already here and I'm right outside the door." Sakura replied with a laugh. Syaoran's face lost all color as panic set in.  
  
'Damnable cell phones!' Syaoran shrieked inside his head. He hastily threw on a red long sleeved shirt and rushed to the door, opening it to find Sakura standing on the other side.  
  
"I hope you don't mind . . . I just wanted to see you." Sakura stated, closing her cell phone and smiling sweetly at Syaoran, who looked like he would throw up at any moment. His heart was throbbing as he allowed Sakura into his room.  
  
'What am I going to do?! She's going to find out about . . . that, and she's going to hate me forever. I'm going to lose her again, and it's all my fault!' Syaoran's mind raced. His amber eyes shifted from one object in the room to another, trying to gain some sort of inspiration-driven excuse.  
  
"I'm sorry you had a rough day, Syaoran." Sakura whispered into Syaoran's ear. Dragged from his frantic thoughts, Syaoran looked down at Sakura as she cocked her head to the side and smiled sympathetically.  
  
"It's ok. I'm ok. Don't worry about it." Syaoran stammered, still trying to make up an excuse of some sort to get Sakura out of his room. Sakura wandered to the french windows and sighed, enjoying the view.  
  
"You know, I'm really tired, Sakura. I was planning on going to bed soon. I'm sorry." Syaoran finally spat, elated he had come up with something at last. Although he was beating himself up for actually wanting to kick Sakura out of his room in the first place, he had to get her out before she figured him out.  
  
"Okay, Syaoran. I understand. I'll see you tomorrow." Sakura replied. She started walking when her foot hit something. The object went sailing under Syaoran's bed, landing in front of his feet. Syaoran nearly gagged in horror as his knife lay at his feet, his own dried blood still sticking to it. Sakura walked around the bed before Syaoran could manage to cover the weapon, and her look of disappointment was all he needed.  
  
"Syaoran . . . you didn't." Sakura whispered. Syaoran nodded, rolling up his sleeves to reveal his slashed arms. Sakura gasped; it was the worst she had ever seen.  
  
"Let me explain-" Syaoran started. Sakura cut him off as she ran past him, out of his room. Syaoran tried to follow, but Sakura had already run out of the house into the night. Finding himself defeated for the last time that night, Syaoran collapsed on the floor outside his room and started to let the tears roll. There was nothing left, everything was gone.  
  
Syaoran didn't attend school the next day. He lied to his mother, telling her he was feeling ill. Yelan didn't argue, in fact she felt sorry for being so coarse with her son the night before. She left the house to her son while she went to the airport to pick Syaoran's cousin Meilin up from Hong Kong.  
  
Bitterly depressed, Syaoran stayed in bed. His messy brown hair was even messier from a sleepless night. Syaoran's handsome amber eyes were clouded with grief over the images of Sakura's upset face. He rolled over to his side, trying to erase the thoughts from his tortured mind.  
  
'Why did I have to do it again? I was doing so well without it . . . I had Sakura, I was gaining strength. And now it's all gone.' Syaoran thought resentfully. He kicked off the covers and walked into the bathroom, getting into the shower to clear his mind.  
  
Water, no matter the degree of temperature, can calm and soothe even the most sorrowful soul. Syaoran turned the water up to its hottest and stood under the shower head, letting the spray of heat pelt his worn body. Steam rose from the shower, lifting with it Syaoran's depression. For a moment the world cleared, and Syaoran knew what was going on. He could get Sakura back if he got help himself.  
  
The decision hit him like a ton of bricks. Get help himself? He couldn't do it all this time, but when it came to losing Sakura, Syaoran was prepared to do anything to prevent that from happening. He got out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. Before he could slip into some clothes, the phone in his room rang.  
  
"Hello?" Syaoran said into the receiver. The voice on the other end made his heart stop completely.  
  
"Syaoran, I need to talk to you."  
  
"What's wrong?" Syaoran asked, knowing perfectly well what was wrong. He heard a sigh on the other line, followed by a short silence.  
  
"Sakura, let me in. I want to talk to you." Syaoran stated, drawing the towel around him tighter as he sat down on the bed.  
  
"Why should I let you in when you never let me?" Sakura asked, her voice starting to quaver slightly. Syaoran cringed; that statement alone stung like a thousand cuts.  
  
"I don't know. Please, don't do this." Syaoran replied, his voice becoming quiet as he prayed for a miracle to come and make things better.  
  
"I cant. I won't. I can't believe you did something like that last night!" Sakura suddenly cried. He could hear her trying to keep herself calm, and his heart felt like a hurricane was tearing through, ripping it to shreds.  
  
"Like what? Did I finally do something drastic enough to make you realize that our friendship didn't get like this overnight? This is months and months of pent up frustration for me." Syaoran spouted. The emotions were coming to the surface, after a year of waiting. He was about to explode.  
  
"I don't know a lot of it . . . and I don't know if I need to . . . but you and I can't expect things to be the same as they were anymore. Not after all this. I love you, Syaoran, but if we're going to be together, you have to stop doing this to yourself."Sakura answered. He could hear the sincerity in her voice, the desperate want for him to stop being what he had turned out to be.  
  
"You don't understand." Syaoran muttered. He ran a hand through his wet hair in frustration. He had to tell her, but how could he make her understand?  
  
"You're right, I don't . . . but I'm trying to, can't you see that?" Sakura asked, allowing the tears to start forming. Syaoran could hear her holding back her sobs.  
  
"I've been to Hell and back in the past year, and you have no idea!" Syaoran yelled into the phone. He shuddered at his tone; he was so angry and frustrated, but the release of his emotions was too much. He couldn't stop.  
  
"I'm sorry." Sakura muttered into the phone. Syaoran's amber eyes glowed with a new energy he couldn't get a grip on.  
  
"You just can't toss around apologies and think it's going to make up for all the pain I've been going through. You don't know what has been going through my head." Syaoran bit back. Silence filled the line for a moment, followed by a haggard breath.  
  
"No, I don't." Sakura answered, her voice quiet like a mouse.  
  
"I just can't do this anymore." Syaoran sighed. He leaned against the headboard of his bed, his amber eyes deeply focused on his thoughts as they came crashing back.  
  
"Do what?" Sakura asked, her tone becoming a bit more concerned. Syaoran laughed slightly and shook his head.  
  
"I can't sit here and be all happy when on the inside I am just filled to the brim with animosity and anger. And sadness. And jealousy. I can't do it anymore." Syaoran finally admitted, feeling a rush throughout his body.  
  
"I know that . . . that's why I'm trying to fix this . . ." Sakura murmured. Syaoran could hear her breathing, her slow rhythmic breaths cutting into the silence like a knife. Ha, a knife.  
  
"You can't fix everything." Syaoran said simply. His mind was reeling with weightlessness; for the first time in a year he was feeling again. It was wonderful.  
  
"Is this what you WANT things to be like . . . forever bitter?" Sakura asked, her tears falling like rain. Syaoran could hear her sniffle on the other end, and he sighed. The release felt good, but the pain was still there, settled deep in his heart.  
  
"I just can't do it. I can't live up to what my mother wants me to be, I can't be good enough for you. I can't." Syaoran whispered. His gaze started moving, taking in the sights in his room. A glimmer of steel caught his eye, and Syaoran's mind started to dizzy with euphoria. That was it, his ticket to happiness.  
  
"Syaoran . . . are you there?" Sakura asked into the phone. Syaoran snapped out of his trance and sighed heavily.  
  
"I've been treading water this whole time, and now I'm tired. I'm ready now." Syaoran said slowly, listening to Sakura as she gasped slightly.  
  
"Okay, my turn then. Don't move, I'm coming over." Sakura cried, hanging up the phone. Syaoran listened to the dial tone on the other end for a moment, then hung up the phone. He changed into a pair of jeans and sat back down on the bed, the knife in his hand.  
  
'There's just too much.' Syaoran thought as he lowered the knife to his skin once again.  
  
Sakura rushed up to Syaoran's room, pushing past Wei as he looked on curiously. She pounded on the door, but there was no response. Sakura turned the knob and burst into the room, falling to her knees at the sight before her.  
  
*And . . . . CLIFFIE! Sorry ya'll but you're going to have to review for me to get another chapter. Thanks!* 


	7. Black Mourning

*Okay, I've got another chapter here for you all, and I want to say thanks for reading and reviewing. This is the second to last chapter, and you're going to hate me, but it's ok. Please send a nice review, and be sure to watch out for my newest fic coming out February first!*  
  
Reviewers: the nadja, Star Cherry, amber-eyez, sweet-captor, & Kikakai  
  
Every New Day  
  
Sakura quickly regained the use of her legs as she pushed herself up and sprinted to Syaoran's bedside. The blood was everywhere; it was soaking into the sheets and the mattress. In the middle of the sticky red mess was Syaoran, his face white as the linens used to be. He was motionless, his eyes closed softly.  
  
"Syaoran!" Sakura cried. Wei peered into the room and gasped in horror, then disappeared to call an ambulance. Syaoran's eyes fluttered open, revealing two orbs of dark amber.  
  
"Syaoran why?" Sakura sobbed.  
  
"I can't . . . do this anymore. I have nothing left." Syaoran whispered back, his voice weak. The blood was still oozing from his slashed wrists, and Sakura wrapped them with the sheets to stop the bleeding.  
  
"What do you mean, you have nothing?" Sakura asked, her heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Syaoran let out a ragged sigh and let his head roll to the side so he was looking into Sakura's tear stained face.  
  
"I lost you. I failed my family. I am nothing, worthless. This is the only thing I could think of to stop the pain." Syaoran murmured. His breath was becoming more labored, and Sakura could see he was fading fast.  
  
"Don't you die on me, Syaoran Li. I need you, your family needs you." Sakura cried, letting her salty tears fall onto Syaoran's bare chest. Syaoran's chest rose and fell as he struggled to stay.  
  
"Your baby needs you." Sakura finished, earning a gasp of shock from Syaoran. Tears started to form in his dull amber eyes as he realized what was happening.  
  
"When?" Syaoran asked, choking back a miserable sob.  
  
"I found out today. I didn't go to school, and I called you to tell you, but we got into that argument, and I . . . oh God, Syaoran, please don't go!" Sakura bawled. Syaoran was sobbing weakly, the hot tears rolling down his pale face.  
  
"I can't stay. I fucked up big time this time, and now I'm going to die." Syaoran whispered, his breath coming in short gasps.  
  
"No. . . " Sakura whispered, defeated. She watched as Syaoran struggled to live for her. For their child.  
  
"I'm so sorry. God, Sakura. I'm so sorry." Syaoran whispered, his voice becoming more quiet. He seemed to sink into the bed a little more, his body deflating. Sakura gently kissed his lips as his eyes closed. There was no more breath; Syaoran was gone.  
  
"Syaoran? Syaoran! God dammit, don't you leave me here!" Sakura screamed, flinging herself onto Syaoran's lifeless body. Her head snapped up at the sound of sirens in the distance, but it was no use. Syaoran was dead, the life force drained out of his body and soaked into his bed.  
  
Still sobbing uncontrollably, Sakura took Syaoran's cold hands in hers, gripping them tightly. She felt something in one hand, and when she opened it she found a small necklace with a charm on it. Partially covered in blood, Sakura noticed the charm was a star shape. She clutched the item to her chest, letting the hot tears roll down her face and onto Syaoran's bed.  
  
Three days later. . .  
  
It was a cold Saturday in April the day Syaoran was buried. People from all around came to say farewell to the next leader of the Li clan as he was laid to rest under six feet of wet earth. The church was full, so full people had to stand outside for the service. In the front row sat Yelan with her daughters and Melin. All were dressed in simple black dresses, and all were shedding silent tears for the death of their loved one.  
  
Sakura sat in the second row next to Tomoyo and Eriol, who had flown home from Europe the moment they had heard the news. Eriol blamed himself, thinking if he hadn't been studying abroad he would have been able to see Syaoran's plight and help him.  
  
Tomoyo sat rigidly next to Eriol, her hand placed in his as she stared in shock at the casket containing one of her dearest friends. Large amethyst eyes took in the sight before them without blinking. With a sigh, the teen leaned her head against Eriol's shoulder as he patted her hand and rested his head on her head gently.  
  
Sakura gazed at Syaoran lying in his coffin and for a moment didn't believe it was really happening. To her it seemed like he was asleep, the fact that he would never wake up did register to her as of yet. Sakura couldn't accept the fact that she would never see his face again after that day, that her child would never know their father or learn the things he had learned. Things like that just didn't seem possible to the teenager as she stared blankly at the surroundings in the church.  
  
After a brief service, Syaoran's casket was closed, and he was carried out of the church by members of the Li clan. From there he was taken to the cemetery in the back and set down over his grave, his eternal resting place.  
  
"Friends and family, we come here today to surrender Li Syaoran to the ground. Although he has left us all too soon, he is in a better place." The minister said solemnly, looking out over the many mourners who openly cried at his words.  
  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We commend thee, Li Syaoran, back to the earth. Peace be with you, child. Amen." The minister added, tossing some dust into the air and watching as it floated down to the earth. One by one, Yelan and her family approached the closed casket, laying a rose on the top before walking away to their vehicles. Soon no one was left but Sakura, Eriol and Tomoyo.  
  
"I'm sorry, Syaoran. I should have been there for you." Eriol whispered as he laid his rose on Syaoran's grave. Tomoyo placed her flower on the cold steel, a silent tear trailing down her pale face. Taking Eriol's arm, Tomoyo moved aside so Sakura could leave her flower as well.  
  
"Syaoran, my love . . . why did you have to leave me? How could I have not seen the pain in your heart?" Sakura asked aloud, setting a red rose on Syaoran's grave. She pulled out a small baby rose and set it on the casket beside her own flower, and tears began to flow from her sad emerald eyes.  
  
"This rose is from your baby, Syao." Sakura breathed, feeling her tears form in her eyes once again. Tomoyo hugged Sakura gently as she cried harder, her hand resting on the necklace Syaoran had been holding in his hand. The minister lowered the coffin, and Sakura watched until she couldn't see it any longer. Tomoyo and Eriol led the miserable teen away from the cemetery as the dirt was being shoveled over Syaoran Li's body.  
  
*Ok, you're all probably furious that I killed Syaoran off, but that was the way I had intended this fic to be in the first place. Next chapter is an epilogue, and it will be in the form of a song fic. Please review this for me, I don't care if you write horrible things!* 


	8. Quiet Resolution

*This is it, the end. I'm glad those of you who reviewed liked it so much, I enjoyed writing it despite the dark theme of it. Please don't forget that things like this happen all the time. A person you could never imagine to cut could be doing it and you're not seeing it. So if you ever notice anything strange with a friend, don't be afraid to ask. You could save their life.*  
  
Reviewers: Cherry Jade, sweet-captor, amber-eyez, & Kikakai  
  
Every New Day  
  
Sakura screamed again as another contraction ripped through her body. It had been eight months since Syaoran had died, and through those months Sakura grew larger and larger. Today was the day their child would be born into the world. Without Syaoran.  
  
'You're already halfway there to being an orphan.' Sakura thought miserably, letting out another pain filled scream. The doctor coached her to push again, and Sakura bore down and tried her hardest.  
  
"One more . . . " the doctor ordered. Sakura flopped back against the bed, exhausted. She couldn't seem to get herself to go the distance; she wasn't strong enough to have this child alone. The doctor yelled at Sakura to push, and Sakura shoved with all her might.  
  
Silence. Then the sound of crying filled the room as the doctor pulled out a sticky pink baby and wrapped it in a towel. Sakura, covered in sweat, fell back against the pillow with exhaustion.  
  
"It's a boy." The doctor announced, handing Sakura a tightly wrapped child who was bawling loudly. Sakura felt the tears slide down her cheeks as she accepted the baby, looking him over for the first time. He had unruly chestnut hair like Syaoran's, and emerald colored eyes that looked up at Sakura for a moment before closing.  
  
"Oh my gosh . . . " Sakura murmured, touching the tiny baby's face with her fingertips.  
  
"Little boy . . . I'm so sorry your daddy isn't here to see you. He would have been so proud of you, you look so strong. I'm so sorry you're going to miss out on all the things he could have taught you." Sakura said wearily. The baby opened his eyes, staring up at Sakura curiously.  
  
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss, but have you decided on a name?" the nurse asked. Sakura shook her head, and the nurse scribbled down 'baby boy Kinomoto' on a piece of paper, putting it on the bassinet before leaving.  
  
"Wait." Sakura called.  
  
Syaoran Hunter Li was born on the 18th of March at 9:27 PM. He weighed six pounds even and was small but mighty. Before Sakura knew it, they were released from the hospital and heading home to start a new life.  
  
Sakura hadn't been able to graduate high school because of her pregnancy, and her first goal was to go back to school and get her GED. After her six week maternity leave, Sakura tried to go back to high school and finish, but found herself working too much to make the grades so she was forced to drop out.  
  
Life began to take on a routine, starting at six in the morning. Sakura would wake to Syaoran's crying and feed him breakfast. After that Sakura washed Syaoran, changed his diaper, and got him ready to spend the day at the sitters. Sakura took a very quick shower and tied her hair up in a ponytail after scrambling into some clothes. By seven thirty the two of them were ready and out the door.  
  
"Be a good little boy for mommy today, Syao." Sakura said, kissing her two month old on the forehead. Syaoran scowled back, making Sakura smile sadly. He did that a lot as he was growing, and Sakura knew he was taking on the personality of his father. God, how she missed that man.  
  
After that Sakura headed to her job at a small restaurant on the corner of a busy street. A double shift of waiting tables filled with ungrateful patrons left Sakura feeling emotionally drained and pretty much miserable. At the end of the day Sakura would trudge back to the sitter and pick up Syaoran.  
  
Picking up her son was the one thing Sakura found to numb the pain from a long day. He would cuddle up to her, and the warmth from his smile always made the day's troubles melt away. Sakura would bring him home, play with him until he was tired, then put him to bed to prepare for another day just like the last. When Syaoran was soundly asleep, it was time for Sakura to budget her money for the next month.  
  
"Stupid electric bill . . . does it have to go up every month?" Sakura said to herself, scowling as she tapped numbers into her calculator.  
  
"Blast . . . I'm going to have to work double shifts for four days a week just to make ends meet." Sakura growled. She put her hand on her forehead, letting her eyes close as she tried to think. What was she going to do? She couldn't work like that for too long, she'd surely collapse from exhaustion.  
  
'You know, Syaoran, it would help if you didn't have to die. If you would have just held on for a little while longer, we could be raising Syaoran together, we'd be happy. But no, you had to just take off and die. Well what about me? Am I not allowed to have a break?' Sakura thought bitterly. She stood and walked to the kitchen, grabbing the first knife she could find.  
  
"I hate you, Syaoran Li." Sakura hissed, staring up at the ceiling. She took the knife and dragged it across the pale skin of her arm, letting the blood run freely down her arm.  
  
"God that feels good. Syaoran, why didn't you tell me it felt this good? I would have done this a year ago." Sakura sighed. She stared at the blood on her arm, how it flowed freely down and pattered against the floor.  
  
Free. Sakura wasn't nearly as free as the blood she'd spilled, and she desired that more than anything. Thoughts of killing herself welled in her mind like a flood, the ache in her heart for the carefree nature of death hovering over her like a cloud. Syaoran's hungry cry from his nursery jarred Sakura from her thoughts, and she got up and washed the blood off her arm, wrapping it in a towel.  
  
"Shhh Syaoran. Mommy's here." Sakura whispered, picking up the small infant gently and putting a bottle in his open mouth. Syaoran sucked down the warm liquid, his eyes becoming heavy as sleep took him once again. Sakura put him back in bed, covering him with a blanket.  
  
'Could I even think of leaving you?' Sakura thought. Immediately, options floated through her mind. She could leave Syaoran with Tomoyo and Eriol. They were engaged, and wouldn't mind raising Syaoran as their own. She could leave him with her father, but he was incredibly busy himself. Touya was in another country, making him an unlikely candidate to take the child.  
  
'I know just the place for you. It's perfect for you, little man.' Sakura thought, walking out of the room and into her own. She flopped down on her bed and quickly fell asleep.  
  
Morning came, and Sakura started the day in the normal routine. She fed and washed Syaoran, changed his clothes, and got ready herself. The plan started to change, however, when Sakura packed all of Syaoran's baby clothes in a big bag and took him onto the bus, riding past the sitter's toward the other end of town.  
  
"Sakura?" Tomoyo asked sleepily when she opened the door. Sakura nodded, holding Syaoran in her arms. Tomoyo motioned for Sakura to walk inside, but she shook her head.  
  
"I can't stay. I need you to do something for me. Send Syaoran to Yelan for me please. I enclosed some money and a letter in this envelope. I can't stay." Sakura blurted, handing Syaoran to Eriol, who appeared behind Tomoyo with a confused look on his sleepy face.  
  
"Okay, Sakura. Is everything alright?" Tomoyo asked. Sakura shook her head and set Syaoran's clothes on the floor inside the apartment. She kissed her son's forehead tenderly before turning and walking away.  
  
"Oh shit, Tomoyo she's going to kill herself!" Eriol cried, showing Tomoyo the note Sakura had left with some money. Tomoyo tried to chase Sakura down, but she was already on the bus and gone.  
  
"No . . . oh no no no!" Tomoyo whispered, rushing back to the apartment where Eriol was cradling Syaoran.  
  
Inside Sakura's apartment, Sakura sat in bed, the knife in her hands. She'd been thinking about it all night, and this was the only way she knew to end the pain quickly.  
  
"I'm so sorry baby." Sakura whispered. She drew the knife across her right wrist, hissing in pain for a moment, then sighing in ecstasy as the blood began to pour out.  
  
"I'll be there soon, Syao." Sakura whispered, slicing the other wrist. The deep cuts oozed blood fast, soaking into the sheets. She looked around as she waited to die, noticing how similar the scenario was to Syaoran's suicide. The blood on the white linens. The feeling of drowning he felt. Sakura was seeing it all; she was feeling it all. Darkness started to take over Sakura as she lost more blood, and before she could do anything else, she blacked out.  
  
Tomoyo and Eriol sprinted up the stairs to Sakura's room, carrying Syaoran with them. Eriol broke down the door and rushed to the bedroom where he found Sakura lying in her own blood.  
  
"Oh God no!" Tomoyo screamed, falling to her knees at the sight of her friend. Sakura's skin was milk white, her blood spilled on the sheets around her. Eyes closed, Sakura looked as if she were sleeping in bed. Eriol touched Sakura's neck with his fingers, then let them fall to his side.  
  
"She's not dead." Tomoyo muttered. Eriol turned and looked at Tomoyo with grief stricken eyes.  
  
"SHE'S NOT DEAD, DAMMIT!" Tomoyo screamed. Syaoran began to bawl with fear as Tomoyo sobbed uncontrollably in Eriol's arms. It was over; Sakura had killed herself.  
  
Sakura was buried beside Syaoran almost a year after he had been buried himself. Yelan stood beside Sakura's grave, her grandson in hand. She would do as Sakura asked in her letter and raise Syaoran to be the next leader of the Li Clan. Tears welled up in the aging woman's eyes as she realized that she had not only outlived her son, but the woman who had given her a grandson.  
  
Tomoyo stood with Eriol, her eyes red and bloodshot. The shock had worn off quickly, replaced with guilt and melancholy. Sakura had apologized in her letter for doing something so selfish before Tomoyo's wedding, making her feel even more badly. Now she stood with her fiancée, letting him hold her in his arms as he stared solemnly at the hole in the ground.  
  
As soon as it had began it was over. Sakura was buried and gone, her body resting for eternity beside her only love's. Life went on, people aged. Little Syaoran grew up to be a successful leader of the Li Clan, one of the best leaders the Clan had known. He visited the graves of his parents after his grandmother told him the story of their lives. Now twenty three, Syaoran was visiting his parents once again.  
  
"Hi Mom. Hi Dad. It's Syaoran." Syaoran said. He places roses on the worn gravestones, touching the letters gently with his fingers. Sad emerald eyes looked down at his parents' resting place, and he ran a hand through his messy brown hair.  
  
"I came today to tell you I'm getting married. Her name is Charisma, and she's perfect. I've never been more in love in my life. I wish you two were here, but I understand why you're not." Syaoran whispered. The wind blew through the bare trees, cooling his face as it blew through his unruly locks.  
  
"I just wanted to say that I love you, even though I never knew you. I want you to know that I'm doing well, I'm making you proud. I love you guys." Syaoran declared, his voice choking with emotion. In the distance, Eriol and Tomoyo's only child watched, her violet eyes welling with tears. Syaoran turned around and walked away from the graves, toward the raven haired girl.  
  
"Charisma, I'd like you to meet my parents." Syaoran whispered, leading the woman toward the graves.  
  
*The end. I hope you liked it, I know you all probably didn't, but that's what happens. Please send a review, I would appreciate it greatly if you would! Thanks!* 


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